It was a tough year. It was busy. I had little time for myself. And the less time I had for myself, to continue doing the things that were important to me, like exercise and writing, the less time I made for myself. So, the result of that was me losing my mojo.
The ability to conquer or more importantly, the want. The drive. Everything is gone.The old negativities that led me to a depression downward spiral are back. I am useless, good at nothing. No individual success. I am tired. I have no energy. I am useless.
We went on holiday to Florida at easter time this year. The weather was beautiful. One day we went to the beach when it was quite windy. I didn’t mind the waves as I loved swimming in the sea. I encouraged Yasmin to swim with me, but it was almost tragic and the memories fill me with guilt that I put my daughter in a dangerous situation that I couldn’t save her. It was lucky that my husband decided to swim with us. Yasmin got pulled under by a wave and when she came up she pulled me under too. We couldn’t feel the ground and when I looked, we were a good bit from shore. We had been caught in a rip tide or current. I looked at her little face as she started to panic and struggle to swim. I took her hand and tried to swim backwards towards the shore, struggling against the waves, my husband was pushing her up from sinking and consistently pushing. We were in trouble. And at that moment, I felt that she was going to drown and that I wouldn’t be able to save her, nor myself. I shouted for help towards the shore. All the while swimming against the waves. And finally I felt ground. I was never so grateful or so shocked in my life. I am so stupid.
Don’t be bewildered, there is a little suggestion inside myself that is trying to make me try again. But it’s such hard work. Fleeting Hope.
There are reasons of course why I’m back to this state and after analysing each of the details, I understand the tolls of my life and the strain it has on me. I have reached the very rock bottom of myself once more. It’s almost seven years now since I had these stirrings and I’m aware of how to mind myself in order to prevent me from having a total breakdown, but I feel close.
A few changes replaced the time that I had for myself. Yasmin started secondary school last year and I needed to help her manage the work load. There was a lot more content for her to try and learn and then remember for tests. So, in order for me to help her, I also had to read her text books and I created a system of summarising the chapters for her simplifying the details in order to make it easier for her to memorise them.
It was a good system and it did help and still does. She finished first year after passing all her exams, but I certainly was glad when the summer holidays finally started in June! Yasmin’s combination of learning difficulties means effectively that she is ‘slow’ (In the old fashioned terms) It takes her longer to learn things and she has to work harder to learn. As a teenager now, some of the time she is willing, some of the time she’s not. She finds it hard to express her emotions and she becomes anxious easily. I help Yasmin with her organising and planning and I need to keep a firm approach in getting things done. It’s hard work emotionally and physically and it’s continuous.
Sometimes I feel I could slap her when she’s complaining about the socks or that her leggings are feeling strange with demands of ‘Take them off!’ But I really do remind myself that she can’t help the sensory thing she has, so I have lots of patience (most of the time) I treat her with the respect she deserves and I’m so glad she’s not my first child because I definitely would not have had these qualities. That doesn’t mean I’m going around like the mother of the year and doing a super job. I was thinking last night ‘when was the last time I gave her a hug?’
There’s an element of me just getting the job done. I have to admit that I find raising Yasmin exhausting. Don’t think this is a pity cry, it’s anything but. I love my little pet completely and am so proud of her achievements. I’m so grateful that I am here and I’m able to help my daughter and support her and I know that continuing on this road of educating Yasmin physically, literally and emotionally will help her reach all of her milestones.
There’s other things that take my time too and that’s our two huskies who are like two toddlers with all the same needs and demands. And my girls horses. I get the job of going to livery yard and putting them to the paddock each day, checking on their food and water while the girls are in school and college. There’s the house work, preparing meals and bill paying. I think the bill paying takes up a lot of my emotional space. It’s such a juggle trying to keeping up with all our expenses and I find myself penniless at the end of each week. Look, I’m not going to mess with you, my husband gives me a good wages. I’m really good at paying my bills. I never Not pay my bills. My luxury would be going on holidays and I’m sure as you’re reading this, you’re not going to Blame me for wanting to escape, because that’s what I know I’m trying to do. Escape the challenges that is every day life. But that’s where my guilt comes in. I feel bad about putting this extra stress on my husband. And he will definitely make me feel bad for spending all the money, (He comes in at a negative aspect) I can’t really blame him I suppose. He works very hard to earn it and I’m just a stay at home mammy.
So, I don’t express my own worries and fears about money to him. I carry the load. And that’s exhausting.
So I have to try and find a way of being successful in my own right. I enrolled on a degree course recently, but put it off till next September. Probably a little too ambitious at this point. I’m going to try and work my up off this floor first. I’m going to give the writing another go while I’m waiting. I’ll go into that crime book I wrote and see can I improve it at all. I feel I have something, but I just need the education in the area to help me achieve it.