What a gift to have!

Thinking back to when I was a teenager, I was as normal as anybody else.
I remember when I was 13 and I started to push my boundaries, my dad wasn’t able to cope. Although he loved us, he couldn’t demonstrate this by constructive conversations to work out problems. His parenting skills were relative of the times (late 70’s), controlling, fearful and suspicious. My Ma’s parenting skills were the opposite, encouraging, supporting, accepting. She was a natural parent. What a gift to have.
Anyway as a result of my boundaries always being shortened, I became rebellious and resentful, secretive and defensive. Even though my Ma was the nicer parent, I blamed her for Dad being so tough.
 So I guess I was a mean teenager.
I did my duty as a daughter of course, my chores in the house and paying my wages to my Ma when I went to work, but I don’t think I was a nice daughter in my teenage years. I know I wasn’t.
I changed of course when I had my first child at 22. All of a sudden I knew the love and the pain my parents went through in being parents. I became a better daughter. I became a nicer daughter.
And all the time, my mother never judged me, she was always there with her big smile waiting to greet me! Amazing.
My Dad and I had a lot more work to do and I’m happy to say that before he died, we both had forgiven and I enjoyed some nice times that I could show him I cared.
You see, it was all very well when I was a teenager to be mean and spiteful, I didn’t really know any better. I was still a child. I started to grow up when I took responsibility for my own bad behavior and acknowledged that I had to change it.
With the best intentions in the world, I made the same parenting mistakes myself on my first child. So much so, that I lost that child.
Yes he’s an adult now and yes he should be trying to work out his resentments, but he’s not ready.
So, I live everyday having lost a child. It’s painful and it’s sad.
I thank God of course that he is healthy and independent and he still walks this earth unlike friends of mine who’s children are with God already.
But I have lost him.
Will I be like my mother with the smile if he ever returns.
I’m not sure.

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