‘Everything’s gonna be ok….’

Thankfully, I’m feeling better this morning. As a person who suffers with depression, I’ve learned a lot about myself in the past three years. I’m aware of myself, my needs and what upsets me. So, I now know how to take care of my mind and my body. I obviously work very hard on my mind to help it be spiritual and positive and that’s very important for mental health. I know I have to eat, sleep, exercise and that’s really important  for mental health also. I also have to value myself and that’s something I didn’t do in my 48 years of life. So then it’s easy for other people not to value me or maybe take me for granted. So now, I’m changing. I really have to stand up for myself and my value. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not prancing around like a peacock holding my stance. I’m doing it with grace, with respect, (well I hope I am!) because I’m aware that shouting my head off resentfully about all of my changes will not help me or anyone else for that matter and it would also show that I haven’t changed at all!
 That said, not many people like change. They like the old way, I guess it was easier for them. So, when I receive negative reactions back. It hurts.
Being part of a large enough family brings a lot of responsibility on how you are in that family. Mother, daughter, sister, wife, aunty. Of course, I don’t always get it right, in fact, it sometimes seems like I always get it wrong!  When I’m wrong, when I hurt someone, it hurts me too.
It takes a lot out of me. I whip myself emotionally. And the negativity eats in on my healthy mind and I begin to feel ill. I feel the anxiety in my tummy. I feel panic. I feel fear. I’m unable to function normally.
But, I am not on my own now while I’m doing this. I’m aware that I have asked God for help during my emotional crisis and I haven’t felt as bad as I would’ve in the past. I was able to compartmentalize the problem or problems and put them in perspective. It’s not the end of the world when I make a mistake. It’s a small issue. It can be sorted. I can learn from it. I accept my responsibility, apologize to affected person or people and to myself for causing myself hurt and anguish and then I can move on.
I spent a peaceful day yesterday in the beautiful sunshiny day in Donabate yesterday. I walked my dogs and I took in the beauty all around me.
 It’s been a tough couple of weeks and I’m still feeling a bit shaky, but I know it’s going to be ok.

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